Scenario: You are asked by a parent if their small child will grow out of a debilitating condition or if the condition is genetic and the family will have to learn to live with it. You are not certain the problem is genetic but all indications are that it is genetic in nature. Have you ever explored it? If not, then why not? Where you start is where you are.
Why you start is to avoid regret, to ensure future success, and to get the ball rolling. What you start is what is most important to or necessary for your hierarchy of needs: spiritual, emotional, mental, social, environmental, physical. They will be like your self-talk. Improve your self-talk and watch even habitual relationships gradually improve.
Upgrade your self-talk about what you can and cannot do and what you should and should not do. Keep your self-talk out of your bodily memories, bodily sensations, diagnoses, health issues, and physical symptoms. Practice not taking sides detach ; and, instead act like a UN peace observer. Practice deconstructing it detach , because when you take self-talk apart it appears as foolishness.
Practice taking the role of host, listener, and witness detach like when you watch a movie or read a novel.
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Practice not trying to change or control it detach ; and, instead dispassionately hear, follow, or listen self-talk out. Practice not investing your identity in any of it detach , because without your identity self-talk is meaningless and powerless. Look closely and you will see that self-talk is making that issue or memory about what and who you are in competing and conflicting ways. Has your self-talk ever delivered the goods? You must because you let it ramble on as if it had a place to go. Can you name one time when your self-talk sorted itself out?
What do you hope to get out of that investment? Is your self-talk a god or a spirit with magical abilities and powers? Then I should keep it going. Then I should gracefully exit it as soon as possible. Result, you fail as you must because you can only switch, not change or control impulses, feelings, and thoughts. You are judged as being the bad and other bad self-concepts or self-images for failing to change or control the bad impulse, feeling, or thought.
Do more of that now. Think more that way now. Choose to feel that way more now. Wishing without working is not the way to accomplishing. How about to let your civilization or culture suffer and die? How about care for your civilization or culture when in need? How about to deny the immune system of your civilization or culture?
All Topics Daily Quote. Ego Issues Back 3. Tables of Contents for Books 6. Paperback Books 7. Free Extras for Books 9. Ego Issues: Help Reduce 2. Self-Esteem: Help Fix 3. Anger Makes Worse 2. Blame Not Helpful 3. Communicate Better 4. Cope Better Now 5. Counseling Solutions 6.
Pray Better 7. Recovery Does Work 8. Responsibility Helps Free Education 1. Free eBooks 2. In any case, the same as I share with Janice, the Roger you are best for YOU is the Roger who is the same one your wife decided to share her life with. Some good things never change, especially when they are under duress to be altered by selfish and harmful pursuits. Like with Janice, Roger, be the best you and no matter what may happen, the Roger you then are has integrity and simply, trustworthy love and Life values.
One thing about lovers who are in love with integrity at the center, they face life choices and changes together, forming deeper bonds of their relationship, so that change adds to their family, not harm. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. She hit me with this a few weeks back. I told her I was not comfortable with it. She asked if she could join Tinder to explore. I said ok. She then started to talk to a guy on there that had done things like this with married women before. She told me she just wanted to have lunch with him.
She then proceeded to have sex with this guy anyway, knowing that I was not on board with this whole idea. She says over and over that she loves me and it had nothing to do with me. But the betrayal is still there. Any advice anyone has would be great. Especially since she wants to continue to do this even though I am not on board with it. She has destroyed all trust I had.
When you focus on your love for each other, you can overcome everything in your relationship, even sex with others. Is anyone still discussing this issue? I have already told her no. I too cannot begin to think of a divorce. We have a 5 yr. I believe we will grow old together. Lord knows I could have divorced her by now. God will let her see her faults as the years go by. I must remain strong for my daughter and family. Stay strong. Your marriage was a certain way for years. It was the way You Both agreed to.
Out of nowhere she demands a complete change. Make up your own mind. If nothing else beat her to the cheating life.
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Hire a good looking hooker. See if your wife is still happy with sharing. My wife and I have been together for almost two years now which I think makes this even worse. She argues with me that I am brain washed and need to not conform to the stereotypes of marriage being strictly between two people. My greatest problem is someone else touching MY wife I cannot share. Yet its ether get being unhappy or me being unhappy and divorce is my very last option.
Help me understand please!! Let her go. You were wrong 2 years ago. You will be happier sooner if you divorce her now rather than be tormented and take what scraps she may give you. Long term it will get worse because she is very unlikely to be dissuaded since she actually managed to make it an issue. He thinks that normal life and stable relationship is boring. And he brought that up. I recently broached the idea of an open marriage with my husband. I was very nervous about bringing it up, afraid of hurting his feelings or having him perceive me the way so many men in this forum appear to have perceived their wives.
I feel like he truly understands who I am. Not just who we were when we got married, but how I have changed and that he has been an active, engaged participant in the evolution of our marriage. And lemme tell you men, any thoughts I had about testing the waters outside my marriage shrivelled up. I feel more intimate with him now than ever. And down the road, if the urge comes up on either side, I know we can talk about it without judgement or resentment or fear.
Do some searching. Hey, not the explorers fault! They did go in with open and honest intent. Even MORE amazing then the old ball and chain, eh? And since ultimately it worked out so well for them, really their spouse is better off since now THEY are free too even though they werent looking for that. For every story that ends like yours, there are more that go the other way.
However, tell, please, how your experiences are now the very ones the entire rest of mankind must have in order to feel and experience good sexual and committed relationship? I am a husband of 17 years to my wife whom I adore and love very much. As a bit of a twist on this discussion I was the one to suggest an open marriage.
Previously my wife very honestly and openly discussed her desire to try new experiences. This initially took the form of a threesome as she wanted to include me in the experience. The first time was okay, but the second was a total disaster. After much hurt and disappointment on both sides, as it was clear I was not as secure in myself as I thought. So after that experience and a lot of discussion it became clear that my wife still wanted and needed to explore and experience different sides of her sexuality and personality. Even though it caused a lot of pain and anguish for me, one thing became apparent.
We were individuals when we met and had lost some of that when we became married and had a child. Life is too short to limit yourself to one person, and there is only so much that you can get from one person. With this in mind that is why I suggested the open marriage, as the only other alternative would be divorce. And to my mind at the moment that is something I do not want. I hope and believe that I am not making a mistake, but I am willing to find out. The best thing for me at the moment, is to know that I am giving my wife the chance and freedom to explore. I have no doubt that she loves me deeply and her main motivation is to strengthen our relationship and bring us closer as we trust and respect each other for who we are.
To the other men who have posted, I truly have experienced all that you have.. I am not trying to sell anything by any means, it has not been easy but maybe if you are really honest with yourself and put pride and jealousy on the shelf.. Hello Guy, I have read several threads here and your comments are interesting and insightful. Thank you! We are still friends, but it did do some damage to our relationship with our friends. Our husbands were actually closer before and are less so now.
I think some of it irrepairable, unfortunately. Thru this, my husband had a trigger and has wanted an open marriage ever since. I liked some parts, others not so much. He has been patiently and not so patiently waiting on me to come around. I have suggested baby steps like a threesome that is just meaningless with me there, but he now says he wants it all and the freedom to do it all with trust.
He has given me freedom and says it turns him on to see me turned on. Initially, he told me that was his main fantasy, to see me turned on, I am a key component. Well, I drug my feet and he now wants it all with and without me. We have a great sex life. I definitely would too. It is very threatening to me and I want to get past my fears or want him to get over this.
I want him to be happy. He has been my world for more than half my life. I do not want to live without him. He is my best friend. I am his. How did you do it? How do you and your wife make it work? I would love to hear her side too. Your husband is lying through his teeth. His words and demands and his acts, as you related them, make this exceeding clear.
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His vows to you are not at the heart of his relationship with you, from your description. Look for the weakest argument he has little self defense to cover his illicit deception. Be caring, respecting and gentle as you persist, making certain he is fully aware that you have unwavering love for him. Jen: Be true to yourself. Anything else will turn out to be quicksand — a slow tortuous death.
His request and ultimatum are every bit as big a deal breaker and as outrageous as that. I hope r econsiders. Good luck. Hi Jeff, What I can say so far is that I have experienced more in 3 weeks than have in 3 or more years. In this time I have been challenged to trust without question,have open and honest discussions about everything no matter how difficult the subject and above all.. The decision to enter into an open marriage should not be taken lightly. Advice that I can offer from my experience id that you need to make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons, that is at least for me to strengthen and build on the love that you already share with your partner.
For example a couple of our rules are.. I have not read this book yet but I fully intend to. It sounds like a lot of work, I suppose it is initially but it does get easier and it is well worth it.. Another thing that you will need to get prepared for and comfortable with is that if you choose to use a dating site, your partner WILL get more attention than you…it is supply and demand there are a lot more men than women..
Benefits of an open marriage that I have found so far is that your relationship becomes stronger and deeper, you can both meet experience some wonderful people and have some really good times, you get to know yourself better…a lot better. A lot of people assume they are STI free…not always the case. There are a lot of resources on the net on the subject from people a lot more experienced than myself. For myself and my wife the experience has been truly wonderful and just gets better, yours may turn out to be as good or better it is entirely up to you and your partner.
I wish you luck and success in your decision. I hope I have helped you in some way. Definitely worth it. You know this. I have been with my partner for just 1 year. We met on a dating website and fell for each other instantly. He has revealed to me that he wants to try swinging as a couple. To me, this sends signals of him eventually wanting an open relationship. I truly believe that although sex can happen without the emotion attached, eventually, one of the parties will become emotionally attached. I just think we are wired that way.
I believe that if people want to have multiple partners, why not just stay single and not have to worry about the emotional attachment, jealousy, and the hurt that may be caused with sleeping around. We live in a day and age where having an affair etc is so in your face and temptation is hard to surpress. It seems that couples who do this have been together for years and are looking to rekindle that spark. I would appreciate any advice or opinions. Dear Karen, If you are not comfortable with him sleeping with another girl you can do it with another guy.
My wife and I have done this stuff for almost 30 years, I had no problem with jealousy because our rule was:. There is no romance between the man and my wife. No kissing like lovers, no sex without me there. Avoid missionary position as much as possible. My wife and I should have body contact any time they engage in sex.
And more. Sometimes she even get as a christmas gift. I completely agree with you. Eventually an attachment will form as sex is the ultimate intimacy. Just my line of thinking. Hi Karen, First of all I can identify with where you are at, I was at a similar cross-roads in my marriage of almost 18 years. My circumstances and life are different to yours.
However that said I believe I can offer some insight and limited advice on the topic, as I have experienced quite a bit in a short space of time.. You are very wise to approach this with caution, this is definitely something that needs to be discussed honestly and thoroughly. What I would suggest be the first thing to be discussed is what is his motivation for moving towards swinging, what does he expect to get out of it for himself and how it would enrich the relationship you already have and does he feel there is anything missing.
Maybe there are some clues in how these questions are answered as to what the driving force is, and in turn you might have a better idea on what the future may hold in terms of your relationship and moving forward. All of your concerns regarding jealousy, emotional attachment risk and not being able to watch your partner have sex with somebody else are very real things indeed, and I have had a taste of all of them..
These can bring out some very nasty situations if not handled carefully and quickly. I am not sure I have helped you that much but I can say your concerns are very valid, you need to see if you can find out and understand where your partner is coming from and why. You also need to do what is right for and what feels right for you without compromise. All I can say is in my opinion you have so much more to learn from and experience with each other before moving toward anything else.
Talk to your partner, if you have friends that are not judgemental and you trust, talk to them also. Get some different perspectives if you can. I hope that I have helped in some way and hope that you are able to work through this.
Thank you for your reply and advice. Basically, I have spoken at length with my partner regarding his reasons etc. He says that everything we do, we will do together and always be in the same room. He is 51 years old and also says that because of his age, he wants to experience things and have fun. I am 45 years old. He had previously been in sexless relationships and I also found out that he cheated which is a red flag as well.
In the heat of passion and excitement, I may be into the swinging thing but I worry about my feelings and conscious afterwards. I love him so much and he treats me like a princess. I want to be with him but my gut feelings are telling me otherwise. I sort of understand your situation being in a marriage for 18 years. Hi Karen, I can understand where your partner is coming from in a sense, he has got to a point in his life where he wants to experience new and exciting things. A lot of what you have written echoes a lot of what I was thinking and working through about 3 months ago, albeit not swinging with another couple but close enough.
Like your partner my wife wanted to include me in her fantasy of having a threesome. The first time was nerve racking but the other person was a slightly older than me and very personable as well as respectful to my wife and myself. I lost control of the situation due to inexperience and a false sense of duty not to spoil an experience for my wife. This was a traumatic event I was literally in shock and it took me days to process and deal with feelings of hurt, anger with myself and resentment toward the other guy involved.
Another thing I realised is that I was so connected to and in love with my wife, that I sacrificed my values and needs for her happiness… as I unknowingly over time had made her my only source of happiness and lost who I was along the way.
I am not saying this as it is a bad thing it is just what happens when you focus all of your attention and affection on one person and they become your world. The point I am taking the long way around to try and make is that there are a lot of variables and things can and do go wrong and can be at a cost.
I suppose I am also validating your concerns about how you might feel and if this might weigh on your conscience afterwards. There are some positives and again this is just my experience so far, you can find out a lot about yourself.. I wish I had of been a bit stronger or stuck to my guns when things were getting a bit sketchy maybe I could have avoided some of the hurt and anguish.
Disappointing someone is better than living with regret. But also temper that with listening to your heart. I have shared what my experiences have been as well as some of my opinions and views. I hope that some of this may be of help to you and your partner.
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My wife and I are Asian and most Asian man have very small manhood including mine. I love her so much that I can not imagine her not getting full sexual satisfaction the rest of her life with me. A Couple of months after we got married, I bought a sex instruction video for us to learn about love making. Two years later we went to a sex toy store and met a well endowed white man who offered to let us use his manhood instead of a rubber and we accepted it. Since then my wife got to have sex with well endowed men several times a year.
We have been married for 30 years now. My wife is so far one of the happiest wife among the Asian woman. Our love have been very strong band. My wife and I shared a girlfriend for most of our 40 year marriage. We were a sexually faithful triad so there were never any issues of jealousy especially since we were all friends since we were kids.
Our lifestyle put us into contact with many couples into various types of open marriages. They each started our saying that they had a strong marriage, trusted each other and had firm rules in place, and ended with bitter divorces because sex is called making love for very good reasons and there is always someone much better than you out there for your spouse to meet and fall in love with.
Multiple relationships are logistically and emotionally difficult. They are also very stressful because you always have to think about not doing anything to make the other person feel insecure or ignored. Eventually, people will choose one relationship even if it means compromising, to reduce their stress. When this occurs, the spouse will pick the best person. If that person happens to be richer, better looking, more compatible and better in bed than you, guess who they will pick to stay with.
It was almost a cliche that all of the 8 couples we knew with open relationships ended with one or both of the spouses running off with their lovers. All the logic and reasoning that goes into trying to convince your spouse is nothing more than wanting sex with others without feeling guilty about it. It never is that your spouse wants someone more financially sound or someone that is better looking, smarter, more educated, better dresser, etc.. It is about wanting sex with others plain and simple and yet people try to dress it up by using fancy titles for it. There are 4 billion people on the planet.
Sooner or later the odds will indicate that a more appealing partner will be found. I completely disagree with your statement that we All want to share intimacy with our friends. Perhaps Some do. Speaking for myself, I require a lot of alone time and could never share so much with so many. I think you as well as I project a bias towards our own beliefs. I had a wife who had a month long fling that started while on a vacation. I found out and she pulled the same open marriage request theme.
I found this to be an excuse and an attempt to gloss over her blatant disrespect for our marriage. We took vows.
I really meant them. Why be married if you want to share intimacy with others? Be single and share to your hearts content. I have no problem with that for others but it cannot be part of my relationship. Thank you, Lucasred. Sharing insight from your relationship expectations and then experiences clears up a bunch of the reasons lying under the comments and responses that you leave here to many posters. It is the central theme of expected married life for usually both individuals.
When real Life comes along, the staid expectation hits snag after snag, and gets lots of encouragement to change. May I ask you to go watch this presentation about the staid way we people get stuck on preconceptions and staid expectations at a TEDs meeting? Can you see how vulnerable to damage your heart is with the staid expectations that you share here, Lucasred? Actually, by the words you share all over the place here, it is clear that your heart suffers under a burden of defeated expectations that are inflexible, and self-centered.
Do you see this? ClaudeA: My expectations are that my wife will be faithful to me as I am to her. This seems extremely reasonable to me. I would be hurt much more if I agreed to accept cheating or affairs that my wife indulges in. Everytime she allows another man to share complete sexual intimacy would tear me apart.
Call it childish if you like. The second point was that I see marriage as a contract. We both agreed to the terms. If either party wants out of the contract then bring it to the others attention. For me, I would rather be single and dating, than to be married and dating. There would be no benefit to being married For Me if we are both, or individually, dating and having sex with others. There are lots of us who feel just like Lucas. Oh right… society… Uh huh. My wife has been proposing the open marriage idea for some time now.
Even tried to get me and her friend together. I am against it. She was raped at 14 and for the first 10 years of our 12 year marriage, sex was not a big part of it. Now at 36, she feels she is over it and needs to make up for lost time, but it is not with me. So the day to day is not very exciting.
I get that she wants to feel sexy again and even though I make her feel that way, it is more exciting when a stranger makes her feel that way. It would just be sex. She has given me the veto power of any guy she meets, but what does that mean? Just seems like a recipe for the end of a marriage. It means different things to everyone, depending on the context of their own journey with self and partner — hence the age-old disputes between men and women. Thus they use porn — or other means, multiple partners, swinging etc. This is a gross generalization and I am not taking a moral stand by any means; it is a deeply personal decision and must be seen as thus.
Anyway thank you and others for your honest posts, I appreciate it very much. My partner of 22 years sprung the same thing out of the blue on me as well. This is not something one should take lightly. The real issue came when she became infatuated with a co-worker. It had to be with him, it had to be without me there, and it was going to happen with or without my permission. She refused counselling. After weeks of negotiating with me, trying to convince me to engage in relations with a co-worker of mine, I was worn down, I capitulated and told her to go ahead. If she was willing to accept hurting me so bad and risk destroying our relationship.
She went ahead. We are now separated for just over one month. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, worse than dealing with the grief of death. At least with death there is finality, some closure. Unless you are both truly on the same page, this is, IMHO, a very slippery slope and a very dangerous proposition. Hello Vaesali, May I ask where you are now?
I am in your situation you were a year ago and considering just giving in, in hopes this will just get over with. You nailed it with the grief comment, I have felt the same way. I am grieving the loss of somebody who is sitting and telling me they love me more than anything, but will leave if I am unwilling to give them this freedom. Have you been able to reconcile? Thank you for your time. So sorry for you brother, and I do mean that.
This is what I keep saying. MOST of the time, folks in your position end up in your boat bud. It is NOT you. And you had no power in it man. And yet……….. And guess what? Hello, I am currently in a relationship with the love of my life. She and I have been together for a littl over a year now. She was married to a man for ten years and has three amazing boys.
She has communicated to me that she loves me and wants to be with me forever. A couple months ago, she told me that she had a friend who was a swinger with her husband and seemed intrigued at the idea. I was not. I have zero desire to be intimate with anyone other than her. Is that a crazy concept?!? The other aspect is that we are both women.
I never will. My partner of 9 years now wants to have an open relationship. She says that she wants to get some experience. Because life is too short. She says that is gonna be only sex nothing else. I believe that when you want to have sex it has to be love as well. She was married before, so I try to keep her happy as much as I can. I use toys to fulfill her desire. Even though I sacrificed everything for her, I left my family and follow her in to another country. And still for her is not enough.
For me even the thought of sharing her with someone else, it is really really painful. I thought that love would heal everything and it would be the road to happiness, but it seems that it hides and other emotions that are unpleasant. I guess my next step has to be on envasting to myself and learn to be happy away from her. My wife and I have been through a rough phase.
My wife wanted a divorce 8 months ago but is still thinking about it. She says that I am real dud in bed; and wants an open relationship. She knows that I love her but she wants another person. I am stressed at home marriage , work that I have and I am worried we lose our house unable to pay the mortgage. I was exhausted last week and went to the doctor and now I am on medicine for depression. If she has given you this as an ultimatum, then the answer is No. Divorce her if need be.
Ask her to show you how to please her if something is lacking. I had a similar story Vaesali. The idea of being with another man sounded so exciting. The thought of her coming home to me after a raunchy sex session with some guy and kissing me on the lips was devastating. I get that it works for some folks but my mentality would not allow me to go there. So 3 weeks ago, she asked me to consider another sexual act that just involved us. In my mind, I was headed for divorce… quickly.
I sent a methodically written note to her releasing all of my frustration and anger about the situation with next steps with our impending divorce. Drop her like a bad habit!! My best friend had the same situation. He trusted his wife and stayed with her only to find out later that she had been with several men after she promised to stay true.
Plenty of women out there!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was going to get some before you change your mind. The reality is ALL women want to sleep with other men. They are biologically programed to want this from a primal prospective. There is a LOT of research on this subject. These are professional studies done in clinical settings with serious scholars of sexuality.
Suggest you read Sperm Wars to understand why these primal desires are not weird for your wife to be experiencing. The part that I find curious is that she told you. Evidently she thinks you are more open minded towards these sexual things than you actually are. Maybe she just sees you as a mature adult who could discuss an adult desire without significant judgment.
It appears she was right about that. QUIT playing games with her. Be honest. Be real. Say NO when the answer is NO and quit trying to set her up. As I explained above, ALL women have these desires. Your woman had enough trust and faith in your maturity to share her desires with you. If it might be a possibility with LOTS of discussion then say that. That is BS and totally immature. Why do I know all this? Even in fantasy the thought of another man with your woman can bring out some pretty charged sexual emotions. We still average 3x per week.
I tell you all this because I hope to show you where your wife is coming from. Sperm Wars will definitely help you understand her. Get some toys. Pretend to be one of the guys in the movies. Not sure if any of this will help or be of assistance but I just wanted to point out to you that your wife is not an evil or awful person.
She has primal desires and she told you about them. She would act on them but would only do so with your permission. To me that says she respects you above all her other desires. What you decide to do with that information is up to you. Best of luck. Sounds like an interesting read and I love broadening my sexual acumen. I buy into your theory that all women want to sleep with other men. That must be challenging especially because these men out here today have no respect for the ring and they have no problem trying to sleep with mine. I have a beautiful wife.
You stated that ALL women have this desire so it would stand to reason that if given the opportunity they eventually need to make a decision for themselves. At that time, I decided that I was not going to battle this thing for the rest of my natural days and allow her to make her choice. Not 12 years into it because it sounds exciting. My thought is that if you want to do that then be single. We can go our separate ways. Those are the marriages that fail. In our 32 years I have never threatened my wife with anything.
Tell her you doubt that you would EVER change your mind but that you are at least interested in talking and exploring her desire with her in order to understand her. Solid relationships involve real, sometimes gut wrenching exploration of any and all subjects that either of the partners feel safe discussing. You currently question her fidelity and maybe with good reason but just as likely with no reason what-so-ever. Sometimes introducing the idea of an open marriage into a relationship is an attempt to bring an affair out in the open and rid that person of guilt.
Only she does. Just that you understand your reaction to her request to see another man. It churned up your guts and you should try to understand why. Knowledge is power my friend. The more you know yourself and understand your emotions, the more you are equipped to leave the emotions at the door and have mature conversations that lead to nearly absolute clarity with your spouse AND the absolute closest connection you can ever imagine.
Honesty and not being afraid to talk to your spouse about anything, is beyond anything you ever imagined. That never happens in a relationship if there is fear of reprisal. Desires are just desires. A counselor is just a coach who teaches you how to talk to each other without letting the emotions rule the conversation. Best of luck to you. Thanks Sam. I decided to seek professional help a couple of weeks and I saw a counselor. The 1st was after my bout of depression after I got injured from playing in the NFL. Not just get the goods once a week.
Respect others decisions and harmonize accordingly. I simply stated my response to her suggestion. Every action causes a reaction. If you initiate the action, you must be prepared for the reaction that you may receive. A couple of weeks ago she chose to go down that path again and I called her bluff. My wife is not a shallow meek timid person that scurries in the corner every time I walk into the room.
We do have good communication. I have been blessed with a healthy balance of emotion and methodical thinking so leaving my emotions at the door is not going to work for me. We only have 1 life to live and we both should be able to live it to the fullest. Thanks your thoughts, suggestions, and your feedback. Is it as simple as they look for another man that can fulfill their fantasies? If this is the case, then I would think that all men should worry if their wives are thinking this way! That was very well said. These comments are damn ironic. And this is based on "science". Because in ancient times I am sure that the "protector" who settled in and raised the family didnt fly into a quite likely legal homicidal rage once the wife started "seeking superior genetic material".
My heart goes out to you my friend I have had the pleasure to be in love with the most beautiful girl who ever lived for the last year now. Just last week she confided her fantasies which include sex with other men and her wish that i can be there and participate etc … Barf. I am devastated that I am obviously not enough and the thought of another man touching her and knowing her desires for that has ripped my heart out.
I would do anything for her but not at the extent of risking me walk out. I beg of you to solemly think about this and be ready for the outcome. I know if my GF choses to do this i will be packing my things instead of being there. I have no judgement on her for desiring this only the hurt i feel for a year wasted on someone i thought was my soul mate. For us it can not have a happy ending. Good luck and know you are not alone. Zo, Ex — NFL, hot wife… conjures a picture. Not necessarily accurate picture but a picture none the less. Everything I said I exaggerated so that you could reflect.
If I say temper tantrum, you know what that means to you. It may be where you just go silent. When I say tantrum it means whatever you do to shut her down. Only you know how that works in your relationship but you did shut her down. Why would you not want to understand what is driving your wife to feel this way. We still have sex a lot but back in our thirties it was nearly daily. I never made a big deal of it. Just a couple of times a week outside of the times we had regular sex I would just find her somewhere in the house… anywhere… and give her an orgasm. It blows her mind.
Make it a habit. She may stop having fantasies about other guys. Bottom line: figure out what is missing and fill that gap. They seem exciting. The wild, possessive, passionate, raw, nasty, hard sex. I built props fake guys for us to have threesomes with. I invested time into listening to her fantasies and then seeing if I could find a movie or a toy that resonated with that fantasy so we could role play it and make it as real as possible within our closed marriage.
When I really think about it I think that has been the key to a very happy journey laden with frequent sex from an exuberant spouse. An open mind, a willingness to discuss her fantasies and then a willingness to make those fantasies come true to the best of my ability. Again, best of luck to you both. This reply seriously made me cry.
The things you do for your wife are things I want so bad. Ive tried my best to be open with my needs but it falls on deaf ears. My need to feel desired is so strong it hurts. I want to feel satisfied in all aspects of life and marriage. Just to say your wife is very lucky to have such a understanding, attentive man.
If all of us were that lucky. Read the posts more carefully. So really, you two have nothing in common. Your husband is taking you for granted. Here is what will happen. He will either divorce you which would be good really , or he will capitulate. And seriously. And makes me FEEL desirable! And if it doesnt work, woman up and leave. As often happens, our bond was very close the 1st yrs of our marriage, post which things have cooled down substantially. And I dont even remember when we last had sex — probably around 4 yrs back.
One might ask me why I married if this was my outlook in life. How are you going to feel about that? Many things to think about. Wish you the best. The way I discovered it was that I rejected my parents and went to other parents of my friends to get what I thought my parents were not supplying me — the home and training that I wanted in my own family that their dysfunction in their home was not teaching me for the family I hoped to have.
In this discussion it is very evident how jealousy lies at the core of marriage. Over the 28 years since that act of infidelity, and during that time I also dry-humped with another lady at work, and the marriage with my deceased wife who I stayed true to, I discovered that sex and intercourse with multiple lovers is both natural and good healthy relationship nutrition — IF — clear boundaries for the lovers are clearly defined and accepted, and discussed when anyone has questions. In my quest to define the relationship hopefully one or more lovers come to live with me in, one fairly recent development for lovers who desire to build life-long family together is the relationship agreement.
It can be formed to be a court-legal document, but the most effective ones are private. One interesting part of this agreement is the application where the lovers define clearly their sexual desires and even fantasies so that the other s understand the desired sexual satisfaction and at least can help achieve it for each family member.
In these years since my first marriage in a church, for a church and because of a church, there have been questions about what role religion has in sex, family, children, health, and all else. Sadly, the community that religion demands its members support, although from one religion to another this community has vast differences, always fails to give autonomy to individual families. Even the religions that say they support modern departure from traditional family relationships still mandate strict adherence to whatever form of departure they happen to support, no acceptations allowed.
Up with moral sexual integrity, down with the promotion of jealousy and emotional baggage that religion enforces on those every religion performs marriage of any flavor for. Treat the issue as a mutual opportunity to discover and grow together to build a stronger home, together. Allow one another the liberty to digress sexually, and other ways from the expected terms of the relationship, and if uncomfortable, find out and define the discomfort, then work as a family with unbreakable integrity to redefine the relationship if necessary, or repair the breach with stronger bonds of love and whatever modification is required to do so.
In the final analysis, it is what our spouse s leave on our grave marker that counts. They merely transfer to the grave marker. Sounds like she is ready to venture into a whole new world. If you are secure enough, you will agree and offer to come in as a back-up. Many opportunities if you relent. My wife told me we now have an open relationship and started seeing some guy. Our sex life has been non-existent in recent years and I accept blame for that, but I want to work on us. Part of me figures I need to be patient and let her work through things.
Is there any hope for pulling this marriage back together? Stay optimistic. Reality is that the only person that really knows is your wife. Things will not progress until she figures out what she really wants. It can become addictive but after you start gaining weight from eating them everyday, you start to rethink eating them. Cause and effect. Where are they from, what do they like, getting to know their personality.. When I inquired as to why she replied with 2 things that stood out to me.. It took a tremendous amount of effort for me to go out and attempt to meet another woman for I clutch my vows.
It was challenging to find a woman that would embrace my situation and be comfortable with it. Could it have been that she just wanted to prove a point albeit extreme.. Maybe she wanted to sow her wild oats. Maybe it was a midlife crisis. Maybe it was simply a lustful scene that needed to be fulfilled. Who knows.
Right on Zo! Then I backed up to my first response and saw your fascinating remarks. Sharing intercourse with people you love is the only intercourse worth having, so go ahead and fall in love. Share with your new lover the ways she makes you feel about sex is encouraging you to remember the erotic fun you first had witth your wife and you are now sharing those sexy fun things with your wife to keep your family healthy.
Destroying family and home instead of making them better is like junking a good race car just because the starter failed. The engine is still in fine shape, as is the rest of the car, so why let a little, but key part take the focus away from a fine work of functioning relationship just because one part is faulty?
Your new lover is the new starter! Ann, five years ago a dear lady re-entered my life unexpectedly some seven years after her husband left her for a lady who worked for him. My lady friend had a new lover who was incapable of sharing intercourse and he also was taken from her suddenly due to previous legal issues.
Freaky Sensationz unselfish love & motivation zone by Felicia Nelson
As my renewed friendship with her had me doing almost daily handy man work with her, I asked her if she would think about sharing sex with me to help fill her sense of loss of her lover while he was absent. She shared my offer with her lover, and he was fine with this, especially as he was unable to give her intercourse. She was my lover for about four months until she had to move.
For her, I gave the attention that you yearn to have from your hubby. With two marriages that totaled about 39 years at that time, I gained a clear idea of what you good wives desire and need for good sexual libido maintenance from us hubbies. If you and me were to meet, Ann, and to share your feelings as you do here, it would be much the same for us as it was for my dear lady friend.